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The Comparison Trap

The Comparison trap, it's real folks....you all probably battle with this in some form everyday, as do I. It's an inward struggle that drives us to sometimes extreme measures to become what we think we need to be based on what other people are or have. From comparing our houses, our cars, homemaking skills, and behavior of our kids, to those of our friends; the struggle seems endless. You may go visit a friend and take a look around her house and wish you had as much space or had half the decorating talent she does. Or wish you had your life organized and pulled together like other friends appear. Sub-consciously, this can drive us to envy, then possibly bitterness and can cause strain within a family because of all the pressure we put on ourselves and our loved ones to change into something we are not. It can be a downward spiral that does nothing but cause emotional pain and depression.

Those of us with kids may feel this even more. The minute your baby is born, there is a "chart" of milestones they should accomplish. Can they hold their head up? Are they able to roll over by 6 months? Are they babbling? Did they walk "on time"? 

Firstborn children are the worst...we all have such high expectations and work so hard to make sure our kids meet those goals. Should they start nearing the date they should have mastered the skill and are still not getting it, we take them to therapy because we don't want them to fall behind (nothing against therapy...all of my kids have gone!)

You may go to visit a friend so your kids can play and you hear and see all the things their child can do that yours is not quite doing yet and the thought comes to your mind, "what is wrong with my kid?" Then your kids get older and you hear what a great athlete their kid is, how awesome their grades are, that they learned to ride a bike at 4 years old (while your 8 year old still is too afraid), or awards they earned and you again think, "what is WRONG with my kid!" Then we go home and put undo stress on our kids to be something they are not. Nothing crushes a child spirit more than feeling like they aren't good enough, especially in their parents eyes.

(There is nothing wrong with sharing great news about our kids, kids love to hear that you are proud of their accomplishments, please don't think you shouldn't share the great things your kids have done with others. I am just asking that you try to be sensitive if someone's child isn't achieving the same things as yours whether they are typical or developmentally delayed)

I will honestly admit my biggest comparison trap involves my kid's milestones. John needed speech at 3 because no one could understand him and even Abigail needed physical therapy to learn to roll over cause she was way past due for that milestone (by time she came around I didn't have time to look at the chart and only knew she needed therapy when the pediatrician mentioned it), but neither of those bothered me as much as Joshua. When Joshua was born I was so adamant that we were going to keep up with the "Jones' kids". I worked so hard with him, I feel like I did brief physical therapy sessions all day in order to help him keep up. Every time he had therapy, I would question them in regards to where he was at developmentally in comparison to the typical child. Eventually, there were areas he started to not be able to keep up in and I would work even harder with him. Poor kid probably thought he was in boot camp! Sadly, this was my way of making my son be something he wasn't ready for but my pride wanted him to look like everyone else.

The other part of this was taking Joshua out in public. I knew that people were going to look at us differently. I would dress him really nice so he didn't fit the stereotypes and hope people wouldn't notice a difference.  It also didn't help when people would ask if he was actually mine and when I would claim him, they would say how I looked too young to have a child with Down Syndrome. I was very self conscious for a long time. I hated the stares. (Now we get even more stares cause he likes to yell and hear his voice in the store...at this point I can almost tune it out so it doesn't bother me anymore)

When Joshua was about 3, I went through a check out line at a local store. The cashier was friendly and handed Joshua a sticker. I told him to say thank you, and since he didn't talk, he signed" thank you" to her. I interpreted his sign and she gave me a lecture that he should learn to use his words and it was rude that he did not verbalize it since he was old enough to talk. I thought it was pretty obvious that Joshua had Down Syndrome, but I didn't feel like I needed to explain myself and my son's condition to her so I let it go and left. Times like those, made me ever so aware that Joshua was different and would make me start comparing him to other kids and start feeling a little bitterness towards him and his disability because we weren't a "normal" family....

When Joshua was in preschool I found myself fighting the comparison trap again. Now we were surrounded by kids his age and I was getting a glimpse of what I thought he "should have" been like. These kids were talking, jumping, playing with friends, coloring and writing. Joshua couldn't jump, talk, or hold a pencil correctly. When other kids were having play dates, we were going to therapy. We skipped every birthday party he was invited too because he's a danger to people's property and I didn't want to have to buy new decorations for everyone's houses.

Now Joshua is in kindergarten, and his 2 year old sister is starting to be able to do some things that he can't. I love that she helps him and often she will tell me what Joshua needs as if they have an unspoken language. I'm trying to not compare my own kids and allow this to sadden me, but to simply enjoy the fact that, at this moment in time, they love to play together and act more like twins than regular siblings. 

At 5, Joshua still isn't potty trained although we've been working on it for a year (I will honestly throw a party when he has finally used his last diaper), doesn't talk, gives no heed whatsoever to safety, still doesn't sleep through the night and is a complete handful. But inside that little 5 year old is a super smart little boy. He can sign anything he wants/needs, navigates an IPAD like it's no ones business, can sign the whole alphabet, knows his colors and shapes, and has an incredibly memory among so many other things. He loves Curious George and I love how he giggles when George does something funny. He knows when his siblings get things he doesn't, insists he should get the same thing and gets frustrated when he can't communicate his feelings.

I've learned to accept Joshua for the little boy he is and know that he will eventually hit his milestones, just in his own time. It doesn't mean that I don't have moments where his disability hits me suddenly and I have to have a good cry, but then I put on my big girl pants and do my best to help him reach his goals.

As parents we want what's best for our kids. Society has a set of guidelines to follow and although these are a great tool, we have to remember that no child is alike and they will learn things in their own time. We need to give our kids the space and time to develop on their own. Adding extra pressure and stress to their lives and making them feel like they aren't good enough, isn't going to help. Your child wants to know you are so proud of them, even though they may not be as talented as the kid next door.

Every milestone Joshua hits is so special to us. We all cheer for him and praise his accomplishment, and he gets so proud and happy knowing we have seen what he is able to do. Seeing him happy to accomplish something means more to me than making him frustrated by trying to do something he isn't developmentally ready to do. 

Hopefully this year I will be successful in not caring what people think and just enjoy the everyday moments and let my kids know that I'm proud of them regardless of where they fall on the charts.

Weekly Grocery budget & Gluten Free Meal Plan

This week we received the results of some blood work Joshua had, and we learned that they are 90% sure he has celiac's, as well as really low iron. We have been doing a gluten free diet on and off for about a year because he was showing some symptoms but it was so nice to allow him to "cheat" every once in a while.

But now, it's real, and we have to make it a priority to remove gluten from all of our meals, which makes feeding our family a little more difficult and requires a little more thought.

I scoured the internet for some kid-friendly ideas and this week's menu went over so well that I might make most of these appear regularly in our future meal plans.

Here's what we ate this week: (including the kids!)

Monday - Parmesan Meatloaf Cups, mashed potatoes & green beans
Tuesday - Gluten free stove top Macaroni & Cheese and broccoli (this was amazing and could be made with regular pasta)
Wednesday - Slow cooker Zesty BBQ Chicken (the link didn't work for this, sorry!) with homemade french fries and peas
Thursday - Ranch chicken Nuggets and cucumbers
Friday - Homemade Gluten Free Pizza with Salad
Saturday - Dinner with Friends

Abigail loved making the Ranch Chicken Nuggets (don't worry we washed her hands really well!)

Grocery shopping went awesome this week. Shoprite had so many great deals that it made it super easy to stay within our budget. We also had a lot of basics such as chicken, ground turkey and vegetables still in our fridge/freezer so we saved money by not having to buy those this week.

My first Shop-rite trip I scored all this for $11.56! I got 6 boxes of taco shells, 2 guacamoles, and 6 cans of soup for free.

I then went to Aldi to grab some of our staples like pickles, bananas, cereal, milk and produce for the week. I spent $54.46 which seemed crazy compared to my Shoprite trip.  

I made one final trip to Shoprite at the end of the week, to grab a few more things and ended up getting 8 packages of batteries and 8 bags of steamfresh veggies for free. (Not pictured was a pot roast) My total there was $26.05.

  We ended up spending only $84.77 this week...giving us $9.19 in overage that will be rolled over to next week. It's always nice when there are great sales to allow us to stay in budget.

If you have any gluten free, kid friendly meal ideas, I would LOVE to hear them!

AV Canal Defect & Chylothorax

If you haven't read the first part of our journey with Down Syndrome, you can find it here: Part 1: Two Words...
 

At this point of our story, Joshua is just about 3 months old and suffering the effects of congestive heart failure due to his AV Canal Defect. They scheduled Joshua to have surgery on March 26, 2011. We knew that he would have to stay at Yale for about a week after his surgery, so we spent the week before his surgery, busily trying to get everything at home organized and get the lists made for the family members who were watching our 3 year old while one or both of us were absent.

The night before surgery, we stayed at a hotel about 10 minutes from the hospital. We  decided to stay local because we had to be there at 7 am and Joshua was not allowed to eat or drink after midnight the night before and neither of us felt like driving for an hour with a hungry baby in the backseat. I remember that night clearly. I was laying next to him in bed and just watching him sleep. I barely slept that night. I knew God was going to take care of him but I wanted to cherish every moment I could should something happen to him during the surgery.

We made it to the hospital by 7am,  got Joshua all registered and in his gown for surgery. I couldn't bare to be the one to watch him go to sleep so I had my husband carry him to the OR and hold him while he drifted off. And then we waited. All of our families came to sit with us for those 8 hours and we anxiously looked forward to any word from the OR. Finally the doctor came out and told us that the surgery went successfully and we would be able to see him in a little while.

Even though I had spent hours researching this surgery and the procedures they would use to repair his heart; I don't know if I was completely prepared for what I saw when we were finally able to see him. It was so heart breaking to see him connected to all those tubes and wires.

 

That night was the longest night of our lives....they say the first night is the worst and if anything is going to go wrong, it usually happens then. There was a nurse or two in with us all night, constantly checking and changing his lines, flushing his IV's with saline and administering pain meds. Sleep was not really an option with all the people and beeping machines. At one point, we were talking to the nurse and we could see Joshua (who was still sedated) trying to move around and they had to ask us to whisper because they said he could hear our voices and was getting agitated in his sedated condition because he wanted us. 

The next day they finally took out the breathing tube and allowed him to completely wake up. It was so exciting to see his eyes open and him smile at us. Honestly, I had read too much about all the bad things that could happen during this surgery and worried he would wake up and not know who we were. (Google can be my worst enemy sometimes!)

(One of my favorite pictures, is this one, of my father in law visiting Joshua. I just love the way Joshua looks at him. It captured such a sweet moment.)

We still weren't able to hold Joshua until they took out the chest tubes and when the anticipated day came, the doctor noticed a milky substance leaking into the tubes. This led to the diagnosis that Joshua had chylothorax. Apparently, the surgeon had accidentally cut some of Joshua's lymph nodes around his heart. Now the chest tubes would have to stay in a little longer and he was going to be unable to consume any fats for 6 weeks until the lymph nodes healed and were able to handle the fat again.

At this point I was still breastfeeding and was told I was going to have to either stop breastfeeding or pump it and save it for the next 6 weeks. Then a doctor mentioned that this had happened a while back to another child whose father was a chemist and he had figured out a way to use a centrifuge to separate the fat from the skim. The process was basically to take the pumped breast milk, put it in test tubes, spin it for a certain period of time at a certain speed and then skim the fat off the top and feed the skim milk to the baby.  That family had donated their centrifuge to Yale in case this random occurrence happened to another child whose family really wanted to continue breast feeding. The hospital offered to let us try it if we wanted to go that route, and we could see if Joshua responded well to the skim milk or else we would have to switch to formula . So, for the rest of the week in the hospital, I would pump and then Daniel and I would put it in test tubes, spin it then feed it to Joshua. It took multiple batches to produce enough for a single feeding and we became quite the tag team. Anyone walking by our room probably wondered what in the world these two mad scientist were doing! Thankfully, it worked and Joshua stopped having as much white discharge coming from his chest tubes and we were given the ok to continue this method when we went home.

Final the day came for the chest tubes to come out and I was finally able to hold my baby boy. It was such a long anticipated moment. I held him for what seemed like hours but I was trying to make up for lost time and hoped he wasn't upset that I had not picked him up all those times he had cried for me. After a few more days, we were finally discharged with clear instructions that, for the next six weeks, we needed to pick him up using the scoop method and not pick him up under his armpits as this could separate his sternum. There was also the general wound care instructions and germ prevention suggestions. A visiting nurse was also sent out every few days, in the beginning, to check on his incision and make sure he wasn't getting an infection. 

 It was so nice to finally be able to bring Joshua to church to meet all of our friends and the people who had been praying for him. It worked out that the first Sunday after his discharge was Easter Sunday. It was a great day of celebrating both the Lord's Resurrection and our healthy little boy. 

Easter 2011

The next six weeks were very long. Mainly because I would have to pump multiple times a day and store my milk in the fridge, then when Daniel got home from work we would spend over an hour spinning countless cycles of milk in the centrifuge, scooping off the fat and saving the skim. Then we would have to sterilize the tubes for the next day. Meanwhile, I would also have to bottle feed Joshua. So, I feel like all I did for six weeks was feed Joshua, but to me, it was worth it if he was getting the essential vitamins and nutrients in my breastmilk.

 All those long days and sleepless nights trying to keep him comfortable were worth it. When it got hard and I was discouraged and exhausted, I would just look at his smiling face and be encouraged that I could make it through another day. My favorite verse that helped carry me through the tough times, was Jeremiah 29:11 that says, "For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". We ended up using that as Joshua's dedication verse at church, as well.

 

 

  We would have never chosen to have a child with Down Syndrome and when we found out his diagnoses we honestly felt like our life was over. But now, looking back, it's not even close to as scary as they told us it would be. I'm not saying every day is easy, it's honestly exhausting and down right hard, but he is so worth it. He has taught us so much about life, empathy for others, and strength. This kid is a fighter and he is determined to do everything everyone else does. We have learned to not limit him, he is far smarter than I ever anticipated. He surprises us every day and we are so blessed to have him as our son.

Pre-Snow Grocery Shopping & My Favorite Coupon Blog

So, I'm normally not that person that runs to the grocery store when they forcast a few inches of snow, but unfortunately my coupons did not arrive until today so I had to go. It was a madhouse of people grabbing milk and eggs in preparation for the first real snow of the winter.

I was super excited to go and use the coupons that I had ordered from couponthingsbydede.com and had my list all ready to go thanks to Cindy at Living Rich with Coupons. This is my favorite go-to site for coupon match-ups. Cindy seriously does all the work for me. Not only does she post great deals that pop up during the week, but you can search her site by your grocery store of choice and find what's on sale and what coupons to use. She also lets you check a box and make a list that you can print out for your shopping trip, including the details of the coupons to use, in case you are like me, and forget exactly how the deal is supposed to work and what coupons you need to use.

I was able to grab everything on my list, but I still had a few more coupons for the Musselman's applesauce on sale for $1 this week,  that I couldn't use because they were sold out. I went to the service desk and got a rain check so I can go back next week when they aren't on sale and still get them for .25/each with my coupons. I love rainchecks!!

After I paid, I loaded everything into my car and decided to take a look at my receipt because I was distracted by another cashier striking up a conversation with me, so I wasn't able to watch the screen as my cashier rang up the items and make sure the prices were ringing up correctly. I realized that my Shop-rite card had not actually scanned, so I didn't get any of my items at the sale price and the Garnier Fructis deal of buy $15 get $3 off hadn't worked either! I went back in with my receipt and they were able to credit me for the difference I would have paid if my Shop-rite card had scanned and printed out my $3 catalina for the Garnier Fructis deal. Unfortunately, I had about $5 in e-coupons loaded on my store card for a few items I had purchased and the only way to get those off would be to return my whole order and buy it again. I decided to skip the savings today because it was for items I'm sure I will be buying in the next few weeks so it will all work out in the end.

So here's what I ended up with: Before coupons my total was $77.57( it was $97 but then I realized my card hadn't scanned so that didn't count the sale prices which brought my total before coupons down to $77.57). After coupons my total was $37.04! And I received $8 in catalinas for my next trip!

So my budget for next week is now $93.96 (I didn't want to miss these great deals so I had to steal from next weeks budget but I'm sure we have plenty left to get the remaining groceries we will need.) 

Next week is already looking to be a great sale week, my favorite sale looks to be free taco's at Shoprite! Taco's are a favorite in our house so I already have my coupons printed and ready to go. 

How To Re-Purpose Old Jars

 I've been wanting to reorganize my linen closet for a long time. Since we didn't have a lot of storage containers we've been using a large picnic basket that has housed all of our first aid supplies, cold, vitamins, prescription medicines, pain relievers, etc. It was a pain (no pun intended) to dig through everything when we wanted to find something specific. I had looked into the cost of buying some shoe box size totes with lids (with a gift card) to separate things by categories such as cold/flu products, first aid supplies, travel sized products, etc, but then realized I actually had a bunch of them. Unfortunately, they were being used for craft supplies....then my memory kicked in and I remembered I had seen somewhere on Pinterest about using old jars for craft supplies and I started saving any glass jar that we used. (While cleaning the jars, I realized that we eat way too many pickles!)

This project was so simple and you probably have everything you need to do the same thing in your house right now. (It also made me sort through all our craft supplies and I threw out a bunch of random craft supplies that were either dried up or not needed...extra perk!)

Here's what you need:

As many glass jars as you would need for your craft supplies or other storage need

A razor blade and Goo-Gone

Spray Paint

I also chose to add an embellisment of some random farm animals I found lying around and was tired of stepping on. If you choose to do something similar, you could find anything from little figurines to old knobs, etc. You will also need some super glue or gorilla glue to apply them. (hot glue would probably work well too.)

Step 1:

Get your old jar and take the label off. I found the easiest way to do this was to soak it for a few minutes in water then take a razor and peel off the label. Spray some Goo-Gone on the remaining sticky stuff, let sit for a few minutes and wash off with a scrubby sponge or scouring pad. Easy Peasy!

Step 2: 

If you are planning on adding a decoration to the top of your lids, grab them and your glue of choice. We went with gorilla glue because it's all we had on hand. Make sure your lid is nice and clean, then apply a little glue to your decoration and position it on the lid. We allowed ours to dry overnight to make sure it was really set.

Step 3: 

Once your glue is dry, take them outside or to a well ventilated area and spray paint with your color of choice. One coat was sufficient to cover these lids easily. Let dry, preferably overnight. You don't want to rush the drying process and end up finger prints on your cute lids.

Step 4:

 Fill your adorable jars with anything you want. These would be great to organize anything from craft supplies to Q-tips. They would also be a super cute display for a candy bar at a birthday party or baby shower. The possibilities are endless. 

I hope I've inspired you to reuse something that would normally be thrown away. Let me know if you find a neat project for your old jars. I'd love to see what you come up with!

How & Why to Order Coupons Online & My Weekly Menu

So I didn't get around to posting last weeks shopping trips, mainly because I didn't get to do my shopping before Monday and it was a crazy week. On Sunday, when I looked through the Shop-rite flier, I had found some great deals, but didn't have the coupons I would have needed. Instead of running out to buy a newspaper, I placed my coupon order and planned to shop later in the week. I'll talk more about that later....

To hold us over until I picked up the things I wanted from Shop-rite, I ran to Aldi. Aldi is awesome because they have low prices, even without a coupon, so I don't feel guilty shopping there.

I also found out that Aldi's has this amazing sprouted grain bread for only $3.49!!! I've been buying Ezekiel bread, so this price tag makes me super happy and it tastes really good too!

We made it through the week with our $130 budget but had to tap into this weeks budget a day early because we had to make food for a late Christmas celebration with my family. This leaves us with a little more than $100 for this week and I've made my menu plan to compensate for this. We've also been able to stock up on a few things in the past couple weeks so I can get by without having to buy as many groceries. Most of our shopping was done at BJ's this week.  There are a few staples we like to buy from BJ's and most of it lasts more than one week. Some of our usual purchases include chicken breast for $1.99/lb, Snyders pretzels for $4.99, the yellow corn tortilla chips are only $4.99 for a gynormous bag, and our favorite roasted red pepper hummus by Cedar is also only $4.99. Their organic salad mix is a great price at $4.99 and I am always amazed how much they can squeeze into that plastic container. It seems to last us a whole week with my husband and I each eating a salad almost every day.

Here's what we are eating for dinner this week:

Monday: Chili w/ cornbread & Salad
Tuesday: Grilled Chicken w/rice and Green beans
Wednesday: Dinner with our community group and I'll be making These amazing crockpot mashed potatoes.
Thursday: Homemade Pizza with salad and cucumbers for the non salad eaters
Friday: Pasta with meatballs
Saturday: Quesadillas with rice, beans and corn
Sunday: French Toast for dinner on homemade cinnamon swirl bread

How and Why I order coupons

I've been ordering coupons for a couple years now from couponsthingsbydede.com and it honestly has saved me so much money and allowed me to get more of the food my family likes at a great price. Most people will grab a Sunday paper and cut out the coupons but unless you buy more than one paper you only get to buy 1 item per coupon (unless the coupon is on multiple items). 

Here are the reasons I love ordering coupons:

1. If I need more than one coupon for an item, I don't have to buy another Sunday paper for just that specific coupon. She also has coupons from previous weeks, so if something is on sale and the coupon came out in the paper 2 weeks ago, I can often find it on her site.

2. Her coupon values are better than mine. I live in New England so our Sunday coupons have a smaller value than the area she lives in. For example, if there was a Cheerios coupon, our coupon value would be $1/2 boxes. Her Cheerios coupon value would be $.75/1, and since almost all of our grocery stores double coupons, I would save $1.50 off each box. That's a huge savings! 

3. I don't have to spend time looking through a coupon flier, she does all the clipping and then mails them to me. 

4. This allows me to stockpile some items that we use often. For example, this week at Shop-rite, they were selling the Musselman's 6 pack of applesauce for $1. Dede had a coupon for $.75/2 which doubled to $1.50 off 2 packs of aplesauce making each 6  pack only $.25!! I ordered enough coupons to buy 8 packs for a total of $2. My kids love applesauce and these are perfect for their lunch boxes. I happened to see that they will be on sale again this week for $1 and ordered 8 more coupons which will allow me to stock up even more. This great deal also made it possible for me to send in quite a few packs of applesauce to my son's classroom for a special snack since I was able to get them so cheap. 

(I should note that I am not an extreme couponer. I don't usually buy so much of a single item that I clear the shelves and don't have a huge stockpile going. I try to only buy enough to hold us over until I know the item will go on sale again. )

The only hard part about ordering coupons, is that you have to plan your meals with ingredients that aren't in your coupon order for that week.  I order my coupons every Sunday and they get mailed out to me on Monday. They usually do not arrive until Thursday and then I head to the grocery store on Friday. I've learned to adjust my meal plans to factor this in, and use ingredients that I purchased the previous week using my coupons from the mail. It takes a little planning but once you get started and get into a routine, its really easy.

Dede's also has a $3 minimum purchase, so you will end up getting a boatload of coupons. If I ever am a few cents short, I just search for products I normally buy and I often find a coupon that I will eventually need and throw that in my cart to hit the minimum.

I will try to post soon about my favorite blogs that do all the coupon match-ups for me.They help me know exactly what coupons to order and which ones are available to be printed. They save me so much time and make shopping a breeze. 

Happy Shopping this week! Let me know if you order coupons - I'd love to hear what you thought of it.